


Permission

by public_enemy_sixx



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019), The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: Also Heather makes just a small appearance, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Infidelity, M/M, Nikki is an emotional trashcan, Terrorcest - Freeform, Tommy tries his best (and fails), actually this is really sad but at least none dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21595468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/public_enemy_sixx/pseuds/public_enemy_sixx
Summary: It’s Tommy’s wedding and Nikki has to cope with the idea of losing the love of his life.
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	Permission

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> This fic is the result of the angst prompt: “My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.”  
> Angsty af terrorcest is to be expected.  
> The amazing SaintOfLosAngeles beta read this for me, and creds to her because she’s so amazing!  
> So, hope you enjoy this angsty parade.

Tommy's wedding was, indeed, supposed to be a day of celebration.

But what's the point of celebrating the loss of the person you love the most in the world?

All dressed in white, Tommy Lee looked like the most beautiful creature Sixx had ever seen, an angel sent straight from heaven just for Nikki. Nikki knew every single inch of the skin underneath those clothes, the tattoos he loved to trace, the taste of the salt on Tommy's body. He knew the shades of Tommy's voice, the way they changed when he smiled, or when he cried.

Despite all of this, Nikki was there, in a stupid black and white tux that he hated, looking at his life-long love marrying another person.

It was no wonder he had injected all the shit that he could into his veins. He was outright wasted, devastated for a lack of a better term, and it was such a miserable scene.

He couldn't even fake happiness for Tommy, even though he should have.

Luckily the ceremony was over, everyone out there was having the time of their life, especially Tommy and Heather, flashing smiles like never before.

Nikki, instead, was sitting on the cold tiles in the huge, painfully clean bathroom. The bassist felt like nothing more than a spot of dirt in there, he felt out of place in every sense of the word. He had barely managed to take a breath before another violent shiver hit him to the core, and he gagged again, his hand desperately gripping the toilet seat. He felt like shit, he knew he had done entirely too much, but no matter how hard he tried, the bassist could think of no other way of making it through that dreadful ceremony.

He could barely hear the knocking at the door through the ringing in his ears, and just let out a weak grunt, hoping the person would take the hint and go away. He grunted louder at the sound of a jiggling door handle as someone tried to open the door, and said a silent prayer of thanks that he at least had enough sense to lock the door.

Soon enough he was alone again, and focused on the goal of feeling at least slightly better than he currently was, pleading silently with his stomach to just stop lurching. His pleas fell on dead ears, of course, as his body kept violently rejecting the goddamn drugs that were supposed to make him feel better, to help him get through this day. This was hell.

His skin was on fire, he felt himself sweating despite the constant chills and shivers that were making him shake like a leaf, and his throat was burning and raw.

“Nikki? Nikki, are you in there? Open the goddamn door!” a desperate, shaking voice cried out from the other side of the door, a voice Nikki would know anywhere. There was Tommy, on the other side of the wooden barrier, with his forehead leaning on the door and wet eyes hidden by his long curls. His shaking hand held the handle in a life-like grip, he would've broken it if he had to. Luckily there was no one around, he had left the party with a poor excuse since Nikki was nowhere to be seen, and Tommy always worried about the bassist.

In the end Sixx opened the door, barely able to stand on his feet, looking dejected and broken, but somehow still beautiful despite the messed up hair, black eyeliner tracks down his cheeks, and the smell of vomit lingering in the air. He would always be beautiful to Tommy.

Tommy hugged him, trying to ignore the feeling of his bones through the clothes. He had lost so much weight since heroin became part of his daily routine.

“Nikki... thank fucking god you're alive.” He whispered, and felt the bassist shake in his arms. He closed the door and let Nikki sit again, only to follow him. “How are you feeling?”

“I love you, you know that right?” Nikki whispered, and Tommy noticed he was barely holding back more fucking tears. “I want to be happy for you, you found love, you found all you were looking for with her…” Tommy remained silent, looking at the ground, unable to say anything. He knew what Nikki was going to say. “So yeah, I'm good really. I might have just.. overdone it with the junk, you know?”

“I'm glad you're here. I know it's hard for you.”

“I'm fine, Tommy. Go out there, be with her, you deserve your happiness.” Nikki smiled, the best he could. He meant it, in a way. He really wanted Tommy to be happy, even if it meant to lose him. He needed to adapt, adjust. Losing people had been a constant in his life, he was used to it, but somehow this stung more than the rest.

“My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.” Tommy said in a hushed tone, his heart was as torn as Nikki's. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?” He continued, and right there Nikki heard the crack in his voice. He lifted his eyes to find Tommy's full of tears, and Nikki's heart broke even more.

“Please, walk away. That's the best for both of us, I can't fuck up your life like I'm doing with mine.” The bassist answered, those words hurt so much while being spoken, Nikki could barely hear himself. He whispered them, careful, careful not to say anything that could convince Tommy to kiss him, to cheat on his wife, to give a stupid glimpse of hope to himself when he was trying desperately to accept reality. “I don't wanna ruin you. I would never forgive myself, Tommy...”

“But-” Tommy tried to say something, anything, but Nikki interrupted him: "Go, for real. They are waiting for you out there."

The drummer nodded, even if leaving Sixx there, in those conditions, hurt him like a knife straight to the heart.

“Let me at least walk you to the limousine, so you can go home. Rest, try to sleep and please take care.” He proposed, helping Nikki to get up. He was still very weak, possibly even weaker than before, if that was possible. He washed his face with cold water and sipped a bit of it, it tasted amazing and felt so refreshing for his sore throat. He felt his heart seize up when he felt Tommy's warm hand resting on the small of his back, steadying the bassist and grounding him to Earth.

Tommy walked him to the car, dealing with the other guests so Nikki could stay quiet and just smile. He left him in the limo and said goodbye with wet eyes, said he was going to call him later.

Nikki knew Tommy wasn't going to call, he would be much too busy with his new bride and maybe that is for the best, anyway.

He asked the driver to bring him home and, on the ride, he did what he knew he shouldn't and called Jason. He asked for more drugs, more substances to help him just forget, and Jason didn't disappoint. When Sixx walked through the garden of Van Nuys, his dealer was already there with the substances requested and waiting for the money.

He shot up again, indeed, because he felt he had no other choice. He needed to forget everything he had said to Tommy, because he regretted every single moment of that conversation.

*****

The drummer had to wait until the party was over and he and Heather were home. He called Nikki once, then twice, but nobody answered. Worry grew and rose in his chest, he was filled with bad thoughts and worst case scenarios. Scenarios that involved the love of his life, dead alone on the floor with a needle in his arm.

“Babe, I'm really sorry but I need to go. It won't take long, I promise.” He said, hurriedly grabbing his jacket and the keys to his Harley.

The blonde woman looked at him and raised her eyebrow: “Where are you going, to check up on your junkie friend? He can't do anything without you, right?” She sneered, crossing her arms and looking really annoyed.

Tommy walked closer to her, so he could kiss the tip of her nose. Like he always did with Nikki when he was angry for some stupid reason, and he couldn't help but think this felt so wrong with her, but he had to get out of there. “Honey, don't get mad. He needs me, I wanna be there for him. He's my best friend.”

“Well then, you might stay at his place for the night then, since you seem to owe him some kind of help.” She growled as she threw her nightgown on in a huff. “Why didn't you marry him, instead?”

Tommy snapped and took a couple of steps back, to avoid losing control of his actions. His fingers were twitching and he couldn't help but think: _if I could have, I would have._

“Don't say shit like that ever again. Mind your own fucking business, and stay out of my relationship with Nikki.” He spat through gritted teeth, pointing at her with shaking hands. She wasn't intimidated though, just angry, and she rolled her eyes at his obvious distress.

“Yeah sure, go. Go and take care of him. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe. Or maybe not, I might as well pack my shit and leave!”

“I told you it's just for tonight, he was really sick today.”

“Whatever. Now get out.” And Tommy did as he was told, running out and jumping on his motorcycle, and speeding his way to Van Nuys. He knew the road by heart then, since he had done it so many times, and luckily it didn't take long.

He had a copy of the keys, of course he did, so he basically ran through the garden and then entered the house. No sound was to be heard except the soft music on MTV, Nikki was probably on the first floor. Of course the place was completely messed up, and he wasn't surprised.

“Nikki? Are you here?” He called, and then clarified: "It's me, Tommy,'' knowing Nikki's mind spiraled downwards in paranoia, when he was high. He reached the bassist's bedroom and found Nikki sleeping on the bed. He was still fully dressed, and there was the wound of a very recent fix on his left hand.

At least he was alive, that was all that mattered. Everything else could wait. Tommy laid down next to him, ignoring the not so nice smell in the air, and listened to Nikki's deep breath like a sort of mantra. _He was alive. He was alive._

He watched Sixx 's face and breathing for signs of distress the whole night, until the bassist woke up by himself around 4am.

“Tommy? Is that you or, am I hallucinating?”

The drummer shifted and went closer to Nikki's body: “It's Tommy. How are you?”

“Sleepy. What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I came to see if you were okay.”

“And what about _her?”_ Nikki enquired, scratching his forehead and then looking for a bottle of water on the drawer. He took a long sip, still looking at Tommy with half closed eyes.

“She's home, pretty mad, but I don't care.”

“The fuck, Tommy, you should be there with her.” The bassist put a hand to his forehead, his voice sounded tired and most of all, worried. “You shouldn't be here.”

“I want to be here, that's the fucking point.” Tommy said, and cupped Nikki’s face. The black haired man looked at him, tiredly. Why did Tommy have to do that to him? Hadn’t he endured enough pain yet? He was trying to get used to the idea of living without the love of his life, because Tommy himself said so, because he said they had to cut their relationship short, for their own good. And yet Tommy was there, taking care of him and ignoring all the things he said, all the things he promised. Tommy was there, and Nikki found it so hard to resist, to say no, because _he didn't fucking want to._

“Don’t ruin shit, dude.” Nikki growled then, getting up and taking the chance to change his clothes into something more comfortable. He could feel Tommy's sad eyes watching him during the whole process, without saying anything. “You fucking married her. You wanted this.”

“I know... but-”

The black haired man looked at him, dead in the eye: “But what, you still love me or something?”

“...There's no way I could ever stop loving you.”

“Then you shouldn't have married her.” he said back, barely able to swallow the pain those words caused him. He needed to try to lie, to convince Tommy that this was the right decision. Giving up on Tommy, trying to put some distance between them, to save his marriage. He really wanted the drummer to be happy. “You have no right to do this to her, and to me, because you know too damn well I can't fucking live like this.”

The drummer sat on the edge of the bed and took Nikki's hands, they were kinda cold, but those long and rough fingers felt so familiar when they intertwined with his. “We always kept our relationship secret. What's different now?”

“Tommy, you chose _her._ You promised to stay next to _her_ no matter what. You shouldn't cheat on her, and moreover, not with me. The difference is in the choice you made." Nikki’s voice was indeed petty strangled at that point, he couldn’t hold back the salty tears. Tommy pulled him closer and hugged his waist, leaning his head on his belly. They both sighed, while the bassist stroked the younger’s hair. “I still love you anyway. I think that’s pretty clear, right?” Nikki whispered, and Tommy nodded silently as Nikki sat next to him.

Shoulder to shoulder, they were looking at the floor with sad eyes. Everything was chaotic in that room: the bed was unmade, clothes and any kind of personal belongings were scattered all over the carpet, the smell of smoke and alcohol mixed with hairspray, the sound of cars passing by. Nikki’s mind drifted off: he couldn’t stay concentrated for too long. He was tired, and there still was the aftermath of drugs, hazing his mind.

Tommy’s voice brought him back to the harsh reality of things: “Can I kiss you one last time?” he asked, and Sixx couldn’t say no to that. _Just one last kiss_ , he told himself, _won’t kill anyone, right?_

They were familiar with each other, yet, that kiss seemed full of brand new sensations. First the drummer caressed his cheek and then held up his chin, looking into those green eyes he was so hopelessly in love with. Their lips touched ever so softly, just a chaste contact, before Nikki would deepen the kiss by licking the other's lips. Tommy of course followed him, and kissed him in a desperate dance of feelings, almost crying, almost moaning his name so low it couldn't be

“I love you, I love you so fucking much..." the drummer whispered, stroking Nikki's tangled hair and kissing his jaw and neck, breathing hot against his skin, trying to savor every moment, every single sensation. Nikki bit his lip before lowering his head to kiss Tommy's hair.

“I love you too, Tommy. More than anything.” he quietly murmured back, words they had chanted so many times. Sometimes between laughs, sometimes during sex, sometimes while fighting, but never like this.

Tommy was crying: Nikki felt it by the way his back would slightly jolt and his breath kept on stopping. He couldn't do anything about it. "Stay here tonight, okay? You’ll go home in the morning, I don’t want you driving like this.” Nikki proposed as he laid on the bed, pulling Tommy with him.

The drummer remained silent for a while, until he stopped crying, and then nodded: "Okay."

So they fell asleep together, just by basking in the familiar sound of each other’s breath, so reassuring, and soaking in the comforting heat of their skin, tucked in the sheets together, as they were always meant to be.

But both of them knew that the daylight would come much, much too soon.

**Author's Note:**

> If you reached the end, thank you so much! Leave a comment if you feel like, any criticism and feedback is always appreciated!


End file.
